“I’m fine.”
But saying that phrase can also mean a lot of things, a bit like how some people would say “fine” in a conversation, and you know very well that it means anything but “fine”. This is one of those moments.
So yes, this is a semi-serious blog post about my mental state. Now that we have set the mood for the read, let’s continue.
A lot of things happened in the last 5-6 months, some good, some bad, and some – really painful. In short, everything piled to a point where I just wasn’t being myself.
I needed a way to express and reorder my mind, and it’s certainly not good to be made into a video, because, who would watch that sh*t, right? So here we are.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I was stuck, deep.
I couldn’t do anything right, my mind was going everywhere, I was quiet, near-zero interactions apart from the basics, I overwork in my day time job, a day felt like a blur, I was in some sort of autopilot mode, and that pattern carried into my gaming time, which I can reassure you – is not fun.
Last night I finally admitted to myself, that:
“This has to stop, something’s wrong, terribly wrong.”
I knew I had a problem to fix, but I didn’t know what it is. I didn’t even know where to begin, there’s no manual for stuff like this.
So I sat down, and started asking questions, like:
“What’s happening? Why am I feeling so down?”
Reflection is important, without which you cannot grow as an individual. And in this case it’s surprisingly useful to narrow down an issue. So here’s my (honest and painful) answer:
“Nothing matters, it’s going nowhere, and there is no point to try.”
It hit pretty hard.
Then I tried to backtrack to the cause, I think I got it.
When my father passed away back in April (may he rest in peace), I got to spend time with my family, some old friends, and they all commented on how much my father accomplished, what a great person he was, he had so many friends, and how unfortunate that he died at such a young age.
I remember thinking:
“What if the same happened to me? What have I achieved so far? What have I got to offer my family? Do I have time to mess around? Is this really what I want to do? Should I continue?”
Let’s be clear, those questions are not specific to the YouTube channel, they are on EVERYTHING I do.
My brain tells me I need to be efficient with how I spend my time and on what. Things that I enjoy with little-to-zero return in terms of time investment should just go out the window. Like, video games, making silly YouTube videos.
But by doing so, it felt like a big piece of me is missing, everything seems to be fading, passion, interests, and after a few months of being in that mental prison, this is clearly not the way to go.
So here’s my first step to finding a new balance – a blog post reminder, to keep in check with myself, happiness should be a priority for everyone at all times, and I think you are allowed to be a bit selfish as long as there’s no harm done to the more important aspects of life.
Stay healthy everyone, and see you in a video.
Porc
P.S. If I ever go quiet again, please give me a poke.
PxPorcupine 